Jokes

smile008These might have come from the UKIP bumper book of jokes!

 

 

Parvinder and Habib are street beggars. They beg in different areas of London.
Habib begs just as long as Parvinder but only collects £2 to £3 every day.
Parvinder brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Habib says to Parvinder 'I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day?'
Parvinder says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say'?
Habib's sign reads 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'.
Parvinder says 'No wonder you only get £2- £3.'
Habib says, 'So what does your sign say'?
Parvinder shows Habib his sign. It reads, 'I only need another £10 to move back to Pakistan '.

 

A boy asks his dad, "Why do they say gardeners have green fingers when their fingers aren't actually green?”

His dad replies, “Well son, it's just a saying.  Like when someone is caught stealing something, they say that they've been caught red-handed', even though their hands are actually black."

 

A  Greek and Italian were arguing over who had the superior culture.The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon."

Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum." The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."

The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire ."

And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!" The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."

 

Mohammed heard one of his wives was leaving him, so he rushed home where he found her on the carpet in front of the tent with her belongings. He sat beside her and said, “I heard you were planning to leave me?” 

She replied, “Yes, I heard your other wives saying you were a paedophile!” 

Mohammed thinks for a minute or so and then responds, “My that’s a mighty big word for a 6 year old.”

 

A bloke called Jacob finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust, and he is in serious financial trouble. He is so desperate, that he decides to ask God for help.

He goes into the synagogue and begins to pray. "Please God, help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto".

Lotto night comes up, and somebody else wins it.

Jacob goes back to the synagogue “God, please let me win the lotto. I've lost my business, my house, and I am going to lose my car as well".

Lotto night comes and Jacob still has no luck!!

Back to the synagogue. "My God, why have you forsaken me??  I have lost my business, my house and my car, and my wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help, and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time, so I can get my life back in order"??

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open, and Jacob is confronted  by the voice of God himself.

"JACOB, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE, BUY A BLOODY TICKET".

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