Cracker firm Swantex is ditching jokes about blondes and mothers-in-law for “non-offensive” funnies.

But has the firm, in Swanley, Kent, missed the point? 

Our reporters have donned paper hats and plastic thimble to find some of the best politically-incorrect gags so you can judge for yourself..





2) Why can’t you tell blondes knock-knock jokes? Because they keep walking off to answer the door.


3) How does Father Christmas climb up a chimney? He uses a ladder in a stocking.


4) Why do Essex girls wear so much hairspray? To catch all the things going over their heads.


5) What do you call a drunk working in an upholstery shop? A recovering alcoholic.


6) Why is Christmas just like any other day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.


7) What do you call a nun that sleepwalks? A roaming Catholic.


8) How do Essex girls’ brain cells die? Alone.


9) What does Santa do with fat elves? He sends them to an elf farm!


10) What’s furry and minty? A polo bear.


11) What’s the quickest way to shed excess body weight? Divorce him.


12) What do you call two robbers? A pair of knickers. 


13) What is the difference between a woman and a magnet? Magnets have a positive side!


14) What do Eskimos get from sitting on the toilet too long? Polaroids.


15) What does a blonde say after sex? Are you all on the same team?


16) Why did the blonde tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? To avoid waking the sleeping tablets. 


17) Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg in a car crash? He’s all right now.


18) Why do squirrels swim on their backs? To keep their nuts dry.


19) How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. It turns itself in.


20) What do the Starship Enterprise and toilet paper have in common? They both circle Uranus looking for black holes.


21) What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.


22) What’s the definition of mixed emotions? Seeing your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.


23) What’s the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche? The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.


24) How do you make a blonde’s eyes twinkle? Shine a torch in her ear.


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