Jokes

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There are some things that can be said in church and some that are best left outside!

 

 

 Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil.One said to the other, 'What do you think aboutall this Satan stuff?'
The other boy replied, 'Well, you know howSanta Claus turned out.It's probably just your Dad.'

 

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother,
'Why is the bride dressed in white?''The mother replied, 'Because white is the colorof happiness,and today is the happiest day of her life.'
The child thought about this for a moment then said,'So why is the groom wearing black?'

 

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was runningas fast as she could,
trying not to be late for Bible class.As she ran she prayed,'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!'
While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell,
getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress.She got up, brushed herself off,& started runningagain!
As she ran she once again began to pray,'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But pleasedon't shove me either!'

 

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers.The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few wordson a piece of paper, he calls it a poem,they give him £50.'
The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper,he calls it a song, and they give him £100.'
The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dadscribbles a few words on a piece of paper,he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!'

 

An elderly woman died last month.Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers.In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote,'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive,I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.'

 

A police recruit was asked during the exam,'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?'He answered, 'Call for backup.'

 

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them toJerusalem ..A small child replied, 'They couldn't get a baby-sitter.'

 

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandmentswith her five and six year olds.After explaining the commandment to 'Honour thy father and thy mother,' she asked,'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to
treat our brothers and sisters?'
Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, 'Thou shall not kill..'

 

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.Little Johnny seemed especially intent when theytold himhow Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he was ill,
and she said, 'Johnny, what is the matter?' 

Little Johnny responded,'I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have 
a wife

 

Alan is thinking about becoming a Muslim after he had to visit the local Mosque, in St Helier, for some business with the Imam. When the Imam came up to Alan he laid his hands on Alan's arm and said "By the will of Allah and the Prophet Muhammad you will walk today".

Alan told him that he was not paralysed. He only had a little gout occasionally. The Imam came back and laid his hands on Alan again, and looking skywards, repeated his mantra; "You will walk this day".

Once again Alan told him that there was nothing wrong with his legs. After the business meeting was over Alan left the Mosque and, to his surprise, his car was gone!

 

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chattingover aplate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.
The older of the two pulls a small folder out of herhandbag and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.
This is my oldest son, Mujibar.  He would havebeen 24 years old now.''
“Yes, I remember him as a baby.'' says the othermother cheerfully.
"He's a martyr now though." the mother confides.
"Oh, so sad dear...''   says the other.
''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.''
''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily, ''he had such curly hair when he was born.''
''He's a martyr too...'' says the mother quietly.
''Oh, gracious me...'' says the other.
''And this is my third son.My baby.  My beautiful Ahmed.  He would have been 18'', she whispers.
"Yes," says the friend enthusiastically,''I rememberwhen he first started school...''
''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, with tears inher eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the secondMuslim mother looks wistfully at the photographsand, searching for the right words, says . . ."They blow up so fast, don't they?"

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