Jokes

joker

 

These are a collection of some of our best ever jokes published on the site - we hope that you enjoy them as much as we have!!

 

 

 

 

A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, hesaw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those areLie-Clocks. Everyone who has ever been on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move."

"Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's", replied St.Peter. "The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible", said the man. "And whose clock is thatone?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. Thehands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Tony Blair's clock?" asked the man. St Peter replied, "We're using it as a ceiling fan."

 

Some have asked what I've been doing in retirement. Well, I applied for a building permit for a new house. It was going to be 100 ft. tall and 400 ft. wide, with 12 gun turrets at various heights, and windows all over the place and a loud outside entertainment sound system. It would have parking for 200 cars, and I was going to paint it snot green with pink trim.

The City Council told me; “Forget it...AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN!” So, I sent in the application again, but this time I called it a "Mosque."Work starts on Monday. And here is the best part, it's going to be tax exempt!

I love this country. It’s the government that scares the  s@1t out of me!

 

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked   if he could join   him. The first guy  said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.
They were even after the first two holes. Thesecond guy said, "We're about evenly matched.  How about playing £5 a hole?" The first guy said that he wasn't much for  betting, but agreed to the terms.
The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.
As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his £80 and he confessed that he was the pro at a neighbouring course and liked to pick on suckers.   The first fellow revealed that he was the ParishPriest at a local Church.
The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to betwith you. You keep your winnings."
The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation....and, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them.”      

 

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says:"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."
"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon."

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon and double smoked bacon ... every imaginable kind of cured pork.
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacontree!"
"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in thedessert,don't forget."
"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres with Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath:  "Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"
"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it?"
"Pepe... ees not a bacontree ... Ees.  Ees.Ees. Ees. Ees a ham bush...!"

 

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"
"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't." "Well, if I pay you £100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets £80 and the girls get £20," she answered. Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Yes sir, this is a union house.

We observe all union rules. "The man asked, "And, if I pay you
£100, what cut do the girls get?" "The girls get £80 and the house gets £20."
"That's more like it!" the union man said. He handed the Madam £100,
looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive green-eyed blonde. "I'd like her," he said. "I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam.
Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next!"

 

Business Man in 1st Class, to a Sexy Gorgeous Air Hostess: What is your name?

Hostess: Angela Benz, Sir!

Business Man: Lovely name, any relation to Mercedes Benz?

Hostess: Yes Sir, very close. 

Business Man: How close?

Hostess: Same price!

Fuertenews is a free publication bringing you news and views about Fuerteventura. Any donations would be welcome.