Grumpy Old Man




Sorry, I wasn't going to do this again this year, honestly I wasn't! I have been really trying to have smile more than a frown!

I made a real effort to adopt a cheery Christmas happy-head, but a trip into town led me into Scroogality once more and I just can’t do the cheerful thing any more!!!



 Why do so many people feel they have to do certain things at Christmas "just because we've always done it that way"?

I am NOT talking about nice family traditions that provide a welcome link and joyful memories of times and people gone by; rather the pointless little things that no-one actually likes but get churned out year after year after bleeding bloody year. 

For Example:

Dates: a compressed box of candied sugar coated  cockroaches that sit on the sideboard or coffee table and no-one eats and the dog swallows the little plastic dagger that is superglued onto the box (a box that extorts you to "EAT ME" like a drug addicts choice calls to them). Nan’s still insist on buying a box every year – Why? Dates, by this I mean fresh dates are sublime and are available year-round. Try them, eat them, but spare me from the sticky squished sable turd like Christmas equivalents

Nuts: a bowl of nuts and a comedy nutcracker. No-one likes them but there is an obligation to try them and kernel-shrapnel flies everywhere, piercing arteries and blinding pets, and Great Uncle Half Wit always gets a hernia trying to break a Brazil nut, every single year!!

Christmas Pudding: the heaviest stodgiest puddding possible after the biggest meal of the year?? Really!!! Which genius came up with that combination? Setting fire to it doesn't make it any more acceptable, especially when you use industrial-strength brandy which makes it taste even worse!!!

Turkey: a vast bird that no-one cooks properly, meaning I get offered the appetising choice of stringy over cooked cardboard or a moist bloodbath. Seriously, you do NOT need to cook something that could have carried off Sinbad when he was alive, be sensible – reasonable unless your feeding the street!

Sprouts: 4 minutes, not 4 hours, really they don’t need to be mush.

Quality Street: After 37 minutes there will be the flat gold discs and the brown oblongs left – just buy things that everyone likes!!! (Cadburys Roses Anyone?)

Mulled Wine: If the bottle of Latvian shiraz is crap to begin with, boiling it with pot-pourri is not going to make it drinkable – no seriously adding oranges and spice is not going to help - really I'd rather have a glass of hot Um-bongo!!

53-year old singletons: They are alone for a reason- do not add them onto your family occasion. They will get blotto and either fall out of their blouse or become insanely maudlin. Do NOT let them try and telephone anyone after 8:30pm! Really try your best to keep them away from your celebrations.

Presents for middle-aged men: We have enough ties, socks, books of golf jokes. Buy us booze – no seriously booze – that is the only thing that keeps us going these days.

Christmas episodes of soap operas: Death is stalking the Street/Square - we get it, we have seen it before and I am sure we will see it again next year! Change the Tune!

The latest James Bond film: Daniel Craig is NOT Sean Connery and never will be. He is not even Timothy Dalton so stop even trying to discuss it!

Christmas cards from people in the house: Could you not just have said "Happy Christmas" to me and added the £2.85 you spent on the card to my present? (booze, remember, not socks) seriously I will be chucking that card away in 2 weeks and could have enjoyed slightly more booze!

Cheese and biscuits: This could be a good thing, but why oh why at Christmas do we have to suffer Wensleydale with fruitgums in!!! This is just unacceptable, UNACCEPTABLE -  And please put out digestives to have with the Stilton – have some class

Paper hats in crackers: Size 10 heads exist!!!! So make the hats big and they can be made smaller – however they can't be larger!! A rip up the back and they will fall off into my gravy, seriously I have lost so many hats over the years into my gravy – Dammit!!!

Pictionary: Draw it properly in the first place. Repeatedly tapping your vague sausage-shaped squiggle with two triangles coming out one end does NOT make it any clearer. Nor will repeatedly drawing a circle around it. And don't chew the pen - we're all sharing that!!

Relatives: I don't know Uncle Magog and Auntie Syph, never met them, don't care about them, refuse to be bothered about who was their daughter's bridesmaid – so why am I hearing this story again and again every single year!!

Christmas Questions: Yes I want another drink - I always want another drink - GET ME ANOTHER DRINK! If you wake me up at 4:37am the answer will be yes I will have another drink - you ask me to take the rubbish out - No, I don't WANT to take the rubbish out - however I will do it. I won't like doing it, but I will do it and then come back in for another drink! It is Christmas and thats my excuse!!!!

There is doubtless more - there is always more. . . but Happy Christmas to you all and have a great time if you can! 

I am going to miss my chance to rant and vent, it has been a pleasure to be part of Fuertenews for so many years, I do need to say a huge thank you to Penny and the Late, Great Michael Melville for leting me rage on their site every now and again - I am not sure what I am going to do without the site - you may well see me on a soap box shouting in Corralejo Sqaure in the coming weeks.....


Grumpy x

Fuertenews is a free publication bringing you news and views about Fuerteventura. Any donations would be welcome.