Jokes

This weeks jokes are dedicated to Alan W from Jersey - thanks for the reminder of how this page should work!! These are selected especially for you!

Enjoy x xx

 

  • There were three nuns, they all told the priest that they were going to do one sin each. So the priest says ok, do your sins, come back, and I'll bless you. So, they went to do their sins and came back to get blessed. The priest asked the first one who was laughing what her sin was.She said, "I had sex with a guy." The priest said ok, blessed her and said go drink some holy water. So she did! The next one was laughing harder, and the priest asked her what her sin was. She said, "I got in a fight with another nun." So he says ok, blessed her and told her to go drink some holy water. So she did! The priest asked the last one who was laughing even harder what she did. And as she was laughing she said, "I had a wee in the holy water!"?’

 

  • The head priest at a certain church was out for the day, so he asked the deacon to do confession for him. The deacon agrees, and the first person that comes says, "Forgive me, for I just gave a man oral sex." He says, "You have sinned." Then he looks at the sheet on the wall that had punishments for certain sins on it, but oral sex wasn't on there, so he went out to ask one of the altar boys what the head priest normally gives for oral sex. The altar boy answered, "Oh, about five quid!"

 

  • Mother superior calls all the nuns together and says to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent." "Thank God," says an elderly nun at the back of the room, "I'm so tired of Chardonnay..."

 

  • A Catholic, a Baptist, and a Mormon are bragging about the size of their families.
    "I have four boys and my wife is expecting another. One more son and I'll have a basketball team!" said the Catholic."That's nothing!'' said the Baptist. ''I have ten boys now, and my wife is pregnant with another child. One more son and I'll have a football team!" "You both should be ashamed of yourselves!'' said the Mormon. ''I have seventeen wives. One more and I'll have a golf course!"

 

  • A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church.

    He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.

    There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies who appear to have mislaid their garments.

    He hears a priest come in:

    "Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be".

    The priest replies, "Get out, you idiot. You're on my side"

 

  • A scantily dressed girl goes to confession. "Father, I called a man a son-of-a-bitch yesterday."
    "Why did you call him a son-of-a-bitch??" the priest asked.
    "Because, father, he touched me on my arm without permission"
    "Do you mean like this??" He touches her arm.
    "Yes father."
    "That's no reason for calling him a son-of-a-bitch."
    "But father he also touched my breasts."
    "You mean like this??" He touches her breasts.
    "Yes father."
    "That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
    "But father, he took off my clothes."
    "Like this??" He takes off her clothes.
    "Yes father."
    "That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
    "But father he then puts his you-know-what in my you-know-where."
    "Like this??" He puts his you-know-what in her you-know-where.
    "Y-Y-Yes father," she says sometime later.
    "But that's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."
    "But father, he has Herpes."
    "THAT SON-OF-A-BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!"

 

  • One day Mr. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at his church.
    "Reverend," he said, "I have a problem; my wife keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"
    "I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this pin with you. I'll be able to tell when she's sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give her a good poke in the leg with the pin."
    In church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, thepreacher put his plan to work.

    "...And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mr. Jones.
    "Jesus!" cried Mrs. Jones as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the pin. "Yes, you are right, Mrs. Jones," said the minister.

    Soon, Mrs. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed her dozing.
    "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mr. Jones. "God!" cried out Mrs. Jones as she was stuck again with the pin once again.
    "Right again, Mrs. Jones," said the minister, smiling and continuing hissermon. Before long, Mrs. Jones dozed off again. However, this time the minister didn't notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mr. Jones mistook as signals to wake his wife again.

    He was just sticking his wife with the pin again when the minister asked, "...And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"

    Mrs. Jones shrieked, "You stick that damned thing in me one more time and I'll break it off and shove it up your ass!"

 

 Have a great week - keep sending me the jokes 

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